http://www.theonion.com/article/couldve-been-me-grumbles-merrick-garland-watching--55577

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HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers. “I’m supposed to be sitting up there before the Judiciary Committee, you know,” said a visibly frustrated Garland, taking a swig of beer and complaining to the members of his road crew that if he hadn’t gotten “royally screwed” he would be on CSPAN-2 testifying right now. “It’s all a bunch of political bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I like working with you guys out there, but I had that nomination ... Full story

20 March

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