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Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It

All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source. Full story

Democrats’ fixation on where money comes from is silly - The Washington Post

Democratic rivals make a mistake in chastising one another about how they raise their campaign funds. It assumes that voters think someone like former vice president Joe Biden, former South Bend, Ind., mayor Pete Buttigieg or Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.) is in the pocket of people who give a couple of thousand dollars. It assumes that no one should take money from rich progressives, something even Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) did a few years ... Full story

Justice Department alumni send a message to staff attorneys: Resist!

More than 1,100 former prosecutors and Justice Department officials signed an open letter to Attorney General William P. Barr slamming him for flouting the long-standing principle that the White House (and its henchmen) should not intervene in specific criminal cases, as appeared to be the case in the Justice Department’s flip-flop on its sentencing recommendation for convicted presidential crony Roger Stone. They explained :. The Justice ... Full story

How can we support the emotional well-being of teachers?

Teachers emotionally support our kids -- but who's supporting our teachers? In this eye-opening talk, educator Sydney Jensen explores how teachers are at risk of "secondary trauma" -- the idea that they absorb the emotional weight of their students' experiences -- and shows how schools can get creative in supporting everyone's mental health and wellness. Full story

Astros' Martes suspended 162 games for doping violation

FILE PHOTO: Mar 8, 2018; Lake Buena Vista, FL, USA; Houston Astros starting pitcher Francis Martes (58) pitches in the first inning of a spring training game against Atlanta Braves at Champion Stadium. Jonathan Dyer-USA TODAY Sports. (Reuters) - Houston Astros pitcher Francis Martes has been suspended for 162 games without pay after testing positive for Boldenone, a performance-enhancing substance, Major League Baseball said on Monday. Martes, ... Full story

U.S. stock futures retreat, Asia dips after Apple warns on virus impact

TOKYO (Reuters) - U.S. stock futures slipped from record levels on Tuesday after Apple Inc ( AAPL.O ) said it will not meet its revenue guidance for the March quarter as the coronavirus outbreak slowed production and weakened demand in China. FILE PHOTO: People wearing surgical masks walk past a screen showing Nikkei index outside a brokerage in Tokyo, Japan February 3, 2020. REUTERS/Kim Kyung-Hoon. The warning from the most valuable company in ... Full story

Europe is watching the U.S. presidential campaign — and holding its breath about Trump and Sanders

“The Americans say, ‘We are not the sheriff to provide security in your neighborhood,’ ” French President Emmanuel Macron told attendees of the annual Munich Security Conference, a Davos of the global security elite. He prodded his fellow Europeans to do everything they could to free themselves from dependence on Washington. A year ago, Biden pushed policymakers to hold tight. Given a choice, many Europeans would embrace him over his Democratic ... Full story

Presidential candidates are now appealing to nonwhite voters, which poses a problem for some of them. Post

Former vice president Joe Biden rushed to South Carolina the night of last week’s New Hampshire primary, abandoning a state that would disappoint him with a fifth-place finish in favor of one flush with the nonwhite voters on which he has staked his candidacy. He has since spent four days in Nevada. “You can’t be the Democratic nominee,” Biden said in Columbia that night, “unless you have overwhelming support from black and brown voters.”. ... Full story

Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager

BOSTON—Regaling her sister’s sons with previously untold stories from adolescence, local aunt Sherri Neely scored big Monday with her nephews Bobby and Ben Cecil by dropping the bombshell story about their mother smoking weed as a teenager. “You should have seen their faces when I told them about me and Marci getting high in the Van Halen concert parking lot back in July of ’81. They were hanging on every goddamn word,” said Neely, who ... Full story

Coronavirus could be knockout blow for Hong Kong's once-thriving tourism, retail sectors

HONG KONG (Reuters) - Tom Bennell’s olive oil distribution business took a heavy beating during months of pro-democracy protests that emptied Hong Kong hotels and restaurants, his major customers. Now he fears a knockout blow as the city fights the coronavirus. A man walks past near an empty restaurant following the outbreak of the new coronavirus, in Hong Kong, China February 17, 2020. REUTERS/Tyrone Siu. The two-decade-old Olives and Oils ... Full story

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